Doctor Feelgood: (A Bad Boy Doctor Novel) Read online

  Soft jazz music played from the speakers above my head, and I let myself go to the calm place I always went to in the middle of surgery. It steadied my hand and allowed me to focus. There was no room for memories or guilt there. Only me and my instruments.

  I wrapped up the surgery and glanced up to find Henry watching me with a smile on his face. It was barely noticeable thanks to his goggles and face mask, but I knew the look well. It was that of a proud father. Something I didn't have anywhere else in my life. I was grateful for it.

  "Another one bites the dust." I smiled and turned, extending my hands to the nurse waiting behind me.

  "I hate that phrase," he mumbled, and we all chuckled. He would close up the patient with sutures and staples, freeing me to relax for the rest of the afternoon.

  "Great job. I've never seen such a swelling." The nurse smiled up at me and nodded. "You're very good at what you do, Ansley."

  "Doctor Crawford," I reminded her. "And thank you. I've been doing it a while now."

  "Yes, ma'am." She offered a warm smile, and I was slightly grateful that I hadn't offended her. I'd worked damn hard for my title, and I expected people to use it. She was new and doing a great job. It was good to know she wasn't sensitive in the slightest, but then again, she was a little older than me. Life had a way of toughening you up and making things less about you day by day.

  I walked to the sink and scrubbed my hands as a shadow fell across the room. I glanced over my shoulder to find Nolan standing on the other side, his hands in his pockets. His dark brown eyes were filled with question, and by the hint of sadness on his face, I figured whatever he wanted, it wasn't good.

  Hell, it hadn't been good in just over a year. Our divorce had been messy and beyond painful, but it was done, and the dust was starting to settle. At least for me, it was.

  I patted my hands dry and walked out into the hallway where he waited. "Dr. Reigns."

  "Ansley. I need a minute." He started to reach for me when I stopped in front of him but dropped his hands. There were so many things left unspoken between us.

  "With me or without me?" I smiled, trying to lighten the mood just a little.

  "With you." He nodded behind me. "To my office, please."

  "Of course." I followed behind him, pulling out my phone and checking for messages. My brother, Aiden had been texting off and on about a new surgeon that was transferring from his team to mine. I was less than thrilled with the transfer, but it wasn't my call, and no one was listening to my concerns.

  Jacob "Parks" Parker. The playboy of St. Marks. He brought more women to life than he saved on the operating table in a week from what I knew. Doctor Feelgood. I crinkled my nose in disgust and dropped my phone back into my pocket. How anyone would put up with a cocky, young slut of a doctor in their OR was beyond me. Especially someone as staunch as my older brother, Aiden.

  He was head of Neurology at St. Marks in New York and was respected by everyone in our community, and for a good reason. He was brilliant, steady and a strong leader in the community. I only wanted to follow in his footsteps, and I was headed that way fast.

  Nolan walked into his office and held the door open for me. I walked in and let out a soft yelp as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me flush against him.

  The thick press of his cheek against mine coupled with the dark need in his beautiful eyes left my heart aching.

  "We don't have to do this." He ran his thumb over my cheek as he cupped the side of my face. "If you want children, we'll adopt, Ansley."

  "Nolan. Don't." I pulled his hand from my face and ignored the pounding of my heart. He was everything I wanted in my life, and yet... he wasn't enough. I wanted children of my own, and he'd fooled me for nine years into thinking he did too. Deceptive bastard. "You know why we're not together anymore."

  "And it's silly." He tugged the blinds down on his door and reached for me again. "You made love to me last week. Do you really want to let this go? Nine years of being so good together."

  "We've been apart for a year, and-"

  "And it's been horrible. Sleeping together when we're both too lonely to stand another night alone?" He leaned down and wrapped a strong arm around me, pinning me to the place I used to love most. "Please stop this madness."

  "What's gotten into you? You know that we're done." I pressed my hands to his chest but didn't pull back.

  Everything I loved about him came roaring to life inside of me. I wanted to forgive him for slipping me birth control and manipulating our sex with my cycle, for getting a vasectomy without talking with me about it first, but I couldn't. He was a wonderful man in a million ways and a monster in one, but that one way broke my spirit. At thirty-five I was childless and divorced. The two things I wanted in life more than anything else had been snatched out of my grasp and the fallout resulted in a cold, hard, angry version of myself.

  "Your name change finally came through." He brushed his nose by mine and closed his eyes. "It just brought reality crashing in." He took a shallow breath, and my heart broke for the millionth time. "I'll get a reversal, and we'll try if that's what you want. I don't want to do this without you. You know that."

  I reached up and touched the side of his face, pulling him down into a warm, loving kiss. I wanted to melt against him, but I knew I could never trust him again. Not ever. Nothing could undo what he'd done.

  "I'll transfer hospitals if you want me to, Nolan." I moved back, gathering my strength for the moment. "I can go away. It will help. Having me here, right under your nose is not going to allow either of us to heal."

  "I don't want to heal." Anger filled his face. "It was a selfish mistake. I deserve forgiveness. Everyone gets a second chance. Why don't I?"

  It was the same conversation we'd had a million times over the last year of our separation.

  "And how many times am I supposed to forgive you?" My own fury rushed to aid me in the familiar fight. "Am I just supposed to sweep under the rug all the times you fucked up my chances of getting pregnant? You lied to me over and over, Nolan. You didn't mess up once. You deceived me over and over for nine goddamn years." My voice was shrill, and I was close to tears - again. "You would never put up with that. Not even one time."

  "I don't want children. I never have."

  "I'm aware." I ground my teeth together as every muscle in my body locked into place. So much for resting for the rest of the afternoon. "That would have been great information to have before we got married."

  "Don't start this again." He reached out and gripped my shoulders. "I love you with a passion you're not going to find anywhere else. Why is that not enough?"

  "Because I want a family, Nolan. I lost my parents years ago. I want to relive that in my own life. That bond that I had with my mother. With my father." Tears blurred my gaze as the memory of losing the people I loved most raced through my mind. My brother's screams filled my head like they always did. My strong, intelligent, brave older brother - crumpled on the floor, screaming so loud I thought my ears would bleed. "I can't do this. I won't."

  "Ansley." He moved to the door as I jerked out of his hold and turned to leave. "You're thirty-five years old. You're not going to find someone for another few years and then kids?" His tone was cold. Clinical. Mean. "Having a child at thirty-eight or older isn't safe. Not for you or the baby. What if he has a deformity and has to live with that for the rest of his life? All because of your selfishness?"

  "I hate you," I whispered and slapped him hard across the face. "Don't you dare shit on my dreams or call me selfish. I've given up everything for you and look where it's left me."

  "Ans."

  "It's Doctor Crawford to you, Doctor Reigns. I'm leaving for the day. If the hospital needs me, page me." I walked out and reached up to wipe my tears before anyone could see my heart was breaking all over again. Fucking Nolan Reigns and his manipulative ass. He'd taken my youth and given me a great life and a boost in my career for sure but left me without the one thing I wanted most.

&n
bsp; Family.

  Chapter 3

  Parks

  "Alright. You got everything you need?" Jackson slipped his hands into his jeans pockets and tilted his head to the side. "You sure you want to take the bike instead of the 'stang?"

  "Yeah. The hospital paid for my shit to be shipped yesterday morning." I reached up and ran my fingers through my hair. Sleep evaded me the night before, and I felt on edge about everything all of a sudden. "The bike will work for the short time I'm in Boston." I glanced back at my house. "And it's fall, so the weather should hold up just fine."

  He reached out and gripped my shoulder. "Be careful. You're the only friend I have in the world."

  I turned back to him and chuckled. "And who the fuck's fault is that?"

  "Mine, and it's on purpose." He released his grip on me. "Still thinking about going up to see your old man before settling in?"

  "Yeah. It's an extra hour up there. I figured I'd get it over with." I tried to pull back any associated emotion with seeing my dad. It had been a while. A long while, which I fucking hated, but a part of me died every time I stood in front of him.

  "Cool. Alright. Get the fuck outta here and go do what you do best."

  "Fuck nurses and save lives?"

  "Yeah. What else would I have meant?" He moved back toward his Mercedes and smiled. "Don't call. We're not girls, and I don't want to keep up with your life."

  "Don't worry. We're barely friends anyway." I started up the bike and grabbed my helmet, smiling over at him. "Don't get caught fraternizing in your office again. People might realize what a piece of shit you really are."

  He shrugged the cocky look on his face so familiar to me. "It'll happen when it's meant to."

  "Later." I put on the helmet and gripped the handles tightly. A new life awaited me in Boston, and the very thought of that scared the fuck out of me.

  I didn't want a new life.

  I liked my old one.

  ****

  The drive up to my father's house gave me more than enough time to think through everything I'd been chewing on lately. The move to Boston General was going to do me good and help establish me as a reliable source in my field.

  It was a good thing, and I would befriend Aiden's sister, Ansley as best I could. I'd heard more than once that she was a cold bitch, but most surgeons were. I was the outlier for sure and honestly hoped like hell that I would remain that way. Where I thought a lot of Aiden and his work, he was a staunch mother fucker. Life had to be all sorts of dull.

  "Probably not with Elizabeth in his life now," I muttered as I pulled up to the run-down house I was raised in. Aiden had recently settled down with one of our previous residents at St. Marks, the situation a big no-no, but he'd fought it hard and won.

  The front door to the house was propped open, and the sound of piano music billowed out the front door as I turned off the bike and got off.

  After taking a deep breath and putting my helmet up, I walked up the all-to-familiar stairs and poked my head inside. My father was hunched over his piano, his back rounded, his head down. The most beautiful song I'd heard filled the room around me, and I had to fight back a million emotions.

  I cleared my throat and slipped on the tightest facade I could muster up. "Dad."

  "Parks?" He stilled his fingers and lifted his head, his voice soft and slurred. Drunk. He was always drunk.

  "Yeah. I drove up here on my way to Boston. You doing okay?" I slipped my hands into my pockets and walked over to the side of the piano as my heart shattered in my chest. For all my bravado and cockiness, the site of him killing himself one drink at a time always broke me in half.

  He turned his head slowly as a goofy grin spread across his aging face. "I'm fantastic. I've been working on a new piece. You wanna hear it?"

  I reached out and ran my hand down the back of his head before leaning over and kissing the top of his head. "I do want to hear it. I'm going to clean up a little. You play me something good while I do."

  "Don't clean up. I'll get to it." He patted the side of my arm and moved back into place to play his latest masterpiece.

  I walked to the small kitchen, stepping over beer bottles and open cans of food. A few roaches skittered away as I moved through the filth and guilt promised deep retribution. I shouldn't have ignored him the way I had.

  Music filled the air again, and I choked back tears. Being there hurt too fucking much. It was my only defense mechanism - to be absent.

  "And that makes you better than her?" I knelt and pulled out a roll of trash bags from under the sink as my insides trembled. Nothing fucked me up like coming back to my dad's place. Nothing.

  My father's deep baritone voice filled the room as I started to gather trash and liquor bottles, taking my time to completely clear the kitchen and living room of the debris and rot as he continued to sing and play. When lost in his music, he sounded alive again, fully restored to the respectable, happy guy he'd been my whole life.

  I couldn't help but wonder how long he'd sat at the piano before I arrived. By the look of his clothes and the slight stench coming off of him - days.

  After filling two bags with shit, I picked up another one and walked to the piano, collecting everything he'd dropped around him in piles.

  "You like it, son?" He glanced down, and the light in his eyes flared. He was in another world when he played, one where my mother was still there and life wasn't the dark abyss it had become for him.

  "I love it." I stood and moved behind him, running my hands over his shoulders and massaging some of the knots out of his back.

  He dropped his hands to his lap and let out a sad sigh. "I've missed you. It's nice to see you looking so good."

  "I've missed you too." I squeezed his shoulders and wrapped him in a tight hug as tears threatened to take over. I was a little boy all over again. Trying to raise myself with a broken-hearted man that loved me, but was lost to grief. "Let's get you in the shower and then I'll fix you something good to eat."

  "Naw. I'm good. I had crackers..." He paused and reached up to scratch his wispy hair. "Um. I had them some time. I think today?"

  "That's great. Come on. Let me help." I moved around him and pulled him up by his arms.

  He let out a long groan and collapsed in my arms. "Sorry, boy. My legs aren't as strong as they used to be."

  "Because you don't use them, Dad." I hoisted him up and walked to the bathroom, carrying him with me. After propping him up on the toilet, I opened the shower curtain and steadied myself. The whole thing was filled with dirty clothes and beer bottles. "Fuck."

  I glanced over my shoulder to find him slumped over, sound asleep. Without breaking stride, I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag to clean out the bathtub. I was going to have to put him in a home. I couldn't leave him like this. Not and be okay with myself.

  Somehow I'd avoided the pictures on the walls the first time to the bathroom, but without the weight of him in my arms, my eyes moved across the memories, each one tearing down my resolve more than the last.

  Picture after picture of my mother, of us, of them. Happy. Whole. Together.

  "Fuck you." I stopped by the bathroom door and let my eyes run across him. He'd pissed himself and vomit ran down his shirt and pooled on the floor in front of him. I pursed my lips and turned my back to him as he laid there passed out again.

  Every nasty emotion I'd been avoiding for the last twenty years raged through me in deadening waves. I glanced up to see a picture of my mother smiling down at me, her eyes filled with love and excitement. In a blind rage, I let out a long scream and reared back, smashing my fist into the glass and busting it in a million pieces.

  "I hate you so much," I screamed and pressed my hands to my face. She had ruined him and as an aftereffect me. I'd never let a woman in. Not in a million years.

  I pressed my fingers to my eyes so tightly that colored lights burst across the darkness behind my eyelids. I wouldn't cry. Not a fucking tear. Not another one for her. F
or what she'd done to my dad. I'd do what I always had done. I'd clean up the mess, take care of him and walk through the rest of my days numb to the fucked up fairy tale called love.

  No woman would want me anyway. I was an impenetrable force, one that had fun, lived and loved on the outside and never once showed the real me. The one lost in the dark, screaming for truth and warmth.

  "Parks?" My father mumbled, his eyelashes fluttering.

  "I'm here, Dad. Sorry." I walked in and cleaned him up before getting the shower in working order. I got the water running and stripped him down. The sight of him naked and thin did something to me. It broke me further as if I ever thought that was possible.

  He leaned against me as I stood in the shower, fully clothed and soaking wet. After taking care of him, I got him in clean clothes and put him to bed.

  It took me several hours to finish cleaning the house and putting everything back in order. After I had finished up, I stood in the living room beside his piano, trying to decide what to do next. Taking my father's freedom from him left me feeling like a villain, but I knew without a doubt that I couldn't leave him to take care of himself.

  I grabbed my phone from the kitchen and called around, trying to find a home health-care nurse, a chef, and a maid. It took a few hours, but by the time the sun set, I had everything in place.

  After fixing a quick meal for him, I dropped down to the piano bench and ran my fingers across the white keys. There was a sense of healing awaiting me if I could just force myself to play. I'd learned from the greatest musician I knew - my dad. It was his source of strength and had gotten him through so much, but for me... it was just another memory.

  "I would love to hear you play again." His voice was weak but sober.

  "Oh yeah?" I forced a warm smile on my face and turned on the slick bench beneath me. "And what would you want me to play? I dropped my dolly in the dirt?"

  He chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair, looking a million times better. "I'm sorry you found me like that. It's been a little rough lately."